Am I….? (Part two)

Following up on yesterday’s post. I ended up holding in my first morning wee for about an hour until the chemist down the road opened, I quickly drove there, got more pregnancy tests and came home. Straight in the loo, peeing on another stick. As I sat on the toilet floor, staring at the test, I began to feel disheartened. No line was appearing… but on further inspection and a lot of squinting, I saw another very faint line. I thought I was imagining it! So I quickly woke fiancé up for his opinion and low and behold! He could see it too… again, very faint but definitely there. I should feel excited right?  I’ve been waiting for what seems like forever for this day! Alas, I am still not convinced. Maybe I’m too afraid to believe it, it seems too good to be true. I’m worried about getting disappointed. Not only that but I am so sick at the moment (not morning sickness) I have a terrible cold and an uncontrollable cough. I go into coughing fits which turn into wretching. My whole body tenses up. I’ve been getting barely any sleep because of it. I’m so worried, if I am pregnant, could this affect things? Could I cause a miscarriage? Why did I have to fall pregnant during the one time that I am so unwell. If I am pregnant (I’m doing yet another test tomorrow) I pray that things will work out. One thing that I haven’t told you is that I have experienced the heartbreak and pain of miscarriage before. I don’t think I can cope going through that again. I fell pregnant when I was only 18 years old, to a man who was not very good to me. He was doing drugs and we were reckless. He didn’t even support me through the miscarriage, we broke up soon after. I believe that God terminated my pregnancy for 2 reasons- my baby would be born to a man who wouldn’t care for him/her and something drastic needed to happen in order for me to see his true colors.  A part of me was relieved that I hadn’t had a baby to such a man but the other part of me was so broken. My miscarriage caused a lot of physical pain as well as emotional. I fell into a deep depression afterwards and in this dark time, I happened to meet my fiancé.  He was my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Now we are blessed with a beautiful little girl and perhaps another on the way! Life is amazing. The way things turn out, exactly as they should.


5 thoughts on “Am I….? (Part two)

  1. thewritewomanblog says:

    All the best to you!!! I hope your patience and your wait is worth its while. I know it is tough but maybe you should just take it easy and let it be. I waited for two full weeks and then broke it to my husband on his birthday when I had the confirmed stick (with two lines) in my hand and he still tells me that it was his best birthday gift EVER; but the wait, it almost killed me, considering that I was then in your shoes, so very anxious to have my second baby. Will keep you in my prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

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